Dying to Live

Valerie 2011

2011-08-30T16:44:00.000-07:00

Valerie 2011

My wife Valerie died ten years ago this summer. I have been spending the quiet moments between my work remembering her. This summer is no different than any other. I think of her all the time. It’s momentous that a decade has passed since she left. Her bright hazel eyes and endless smile leap forth. Her laugh and passionate tears hum in the trees. Her super human strength and goodness inspire my work. She left a hole in my heart that can’t be filled and yet I go on connected to her eternally, forever.

Valerie died from Mesothelioma. She fought hard to overcome the disease. The grace she displayed during a struggle that explored all curative options was profound to witness. In her honor, I have committed to undertaking the professional and personal challenge of fulfilling my potential even at this later stage of life. I follow the prayer I say for her when I ask for the elevation of her soul and the ability to fulfill her wishes, strengthen her legacy and take guidance from her life and spirit. As she told me in her last months, “Make the most of each day, love up the ones you love and put other people first. I think I’ve done a pretty good job." I am trying.

So now I turn the page, celebrating Valerie, who made such a big difference to so many lives and to mine.

Remember. Remember and hold on tight. You will be challenged and distracted and the appeals of your lower self will arise, but extinguish those desires with the flush of love and hope. Never give up. Never give in. Do the best you can because it’s good and believe in what you know and what you’ve lived. It was and is real and true. Guard and pursue truth. It is the blood of relationships and in the end these are what matter. S’aggapo Aggapimu. I love you my love.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian died 10 years to the day after Valerie. There’s a synchronistic irony that they should be linked. As weird a personality as he was, I know she would have liked to have met him at the end of her life. It’s funny what you choose to remember or not remember about someone you love who is gone. I’m choosing to remember it all. The last nine days of Valerie’s life when she chose not to eat because she knew she was only feeding the tumors that were causing her so much pain and killing her slowly. She “Wanted out now!” Kervorkian could have helped. This was not a hypothetical case. This was my wife,who I would have given my own life for to free her of pain or misery. I supported her decisions then as I support those of individuals and families who make them now.

“As a result of his advocacy for the right of the terminally ill to choose how they die, hospice care has boomed in the United States and physicians have become more sympathetic to their pain and more willing to prescribe medications to relieve it “

Kervorkian was seen by a world trying to make sense of how best to care for loved one’s at the end of their life. Valerie was seen by those closest to her as she bravely chose to end her life. We witnessed her grace, dignity and strength and we will always remember her joy and love. Always ready for everything life had to offer. She wanted it all.

Check out 17 Bad Habits For Your Heart

2011-04-01T11:58:00.001-07:00

My Dentist Sadie Mestman always tells me it takes 3 weeks to form new habits, so I imagine it might take the same amount of time to break bad ones. I found this article a motivation in keeping good heart health.

17 Bad Habits For Your Heart

Heart Awareness Month 2011

2011-03-01T12:17:00.000-08:00

All of a sudden it’s the end of February, “Heart Awareness Month”, Valentine’s Day has passed and my next birthday is looming. All is well with my heart. Other parts of me may be breaking down, but my heart beats strong more than a decade after surgery. I ran 3 miles today. I hope my knees and joints can make another 20 years. That would be plenty if my mind can hang in there.

I’ve been helping a 94 year old friend, transition from the independent life style in her own home (remarkable) into assisted living. Currently she is in a rehab facility after a short hospital stay. She’s resistant wanting to maintain her own independence and in denial of creeping dementia and understandable fragility. Remarkable how she has kept it all together her entire life and is still avoiding the tough decisions of advanced directives and power’s of attorney. I want to honor her wishes. It’s a difficult position because her memory can be erratic. When I step back, I wonder if she may have the big secret to make it all the way to the finish on her own. I’m just concerned that she could fall between the cracks and the state will come in and take control of her destiny, reducing the potential quality she could enjoy in her last years. The social worker at rehab has mildly threatened this.

I finally contacted the only know family she has who seems ambivalent to the situation, allowing events and the decisions my friend has made with me to run their course. We’ve made a big leap this week putting the deposit down on an assisted residence and engaging her accountant of some 40 plus years, whom she trusts completely, to become power of attorney for health and financial matters if the need arises.

I can’t help but think that I could be in the same position someday. I have no children or wife, so on this last day of Heart Awareness month, I am committing to finally make my wishes known, so in the event that I encounter a bad scenario no one will be pressured to act and advocate on my behalf without knowledge of my wishes. I still have the Trust in place from my marriage, but without Valerie, the Durable Power of Attorney is void.

I know, I don’t want to be a ‘vegetable’. Who does? Or be brought back from the dead after say age 80 (the number has gone up from the moment I began this blog in increments of 5) and I refuse to be a burden on my family, no feeding tubes if I’m unable to decide and no heroic measures. So I’ve said it. But it’s meaningless unless it’s witnessed, notarized and formally stated in a legal document. One more step.

It will be a big gift to those I love.

Farewell to a Fighter

2010-11-26T14:38:00.000-08:00

Rabbi Levi Deitsch was my friend. His death is a hole I will never fill in my heart. Rabbi Jacobson begins to explain Levi's tenacious courage in the face of his illness in the following essay. I have experienced this courage before in my wife Valerie and thus have been twice blessed. Hopefully I can draw strength from my friend. I miss him.

http://www.theyeshiva.net/Article/View/113/Farewell-To-A-Fighter

Election Day - Nov 2nd

2010-11-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

Get out and Vote Today! It will make you feel good. You will be giving direction and support to the country’s future and your own. In your heart, you know that we are all in this life together and we must take responsibility for the people we empower to lead and legislate. I’m proud to be an American and when I see people at the polls tomorrow I know I will be overcome with that rich sensation of being with my fellow Americans who all, no matter what their political background, want the best for the country and each other. I may be naïve, but these are the principles with which the United States was founded and they exist in us today, if we can break thru the encrusted cynicism of the media and politicos. The choices are clear and countless lives will be affected by those choices we make today. Do the right thing and vote. Feel good.

FREE Screening of Dying to Live - the journey into a man's open heart in LOS ANGELES

2010-07-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

Congregation Mogen David
is proud to sponsor a viewing of the autobiographical memoir,
“Dying to Live – the journey into a man’s open heart”
by Ben Mittleman.

At the age of 50, doctors diagnosed Ben with a hereditary cardiac condition requiring nine hours of open heart surgery and a long recovery. Dealing with the profound questions most of us are too afraid to ask opened the gateway to the fears and insecurities of middle age, the relevance of his Judaism and the nature of life and it’s true values.

As the writer, producer, director, and subject of the part video diary/part real-life drama, Ben Mittleman confronts these matters of his own mortality, and captures every detail of his battle while undertaking the care and support of his wife and mother, as both women battle cancer.

This authentic look at truth profiles the period of his personal transformation while revealing the raw realities of one man’s fight to survive while trying to heal and care for the women who love him.

The inspirational movie serves a catalyst to begin discussions about the complex issues it exposes.
“Dying to Live – the journey into a man’s open heart” addresses the truth and strength required to overcome one’s fear of dying and pursue the business of living.

Light Refreshments will be served along with a discussion
with the director Ben Mittleman and Rabbi Gabriel Elias

SUNDAY JULY 25, 2010 6:00 PM
Please call the synagogue to RSVP
310.556.5609

Share Your Story

2010-06-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

When I was making the documentary “Dying to Live- the journey into a man’s open heart”, I was telling the story for several reasons. 1) I had originally begun a film about my impending open-heart surgery that was left unfinished because of a cascade of personal tragedies over several years. 2) I wanted to honor the lives and courage of those I loved. 3) I was looking into my life and soul for it’s authentic center and wanted to reveal truths for myself and dispel my own myths.

I realized the story might represent a commonality of the human condition that could provide understanding and perhaps comfort to others as they struggled with their own challenges of survival, but I did not realize at the time, that in telling the story and reliving the searing truth’s I’d lived and witnessed, I would begin to fully undertake the deep healing necessary to move forward in my life.

I am going to initiate a place on our website www.dyingtolivethemovie.com that will be for the sharing of stories of survival, care-giving, grief and struggle. It is something I’ve discussed doing for a while now and I would appreciate comments and thoughts on how to make the site more beneficial.

I will make the space available un-edited and filtered only in the broadest manner. “The truth will never hurt you” is something I believe and I would like to facilitate sharing your truth’s with a greater public. You can provide contact information if you wish.

Contact me or send your story to ben@dyingtolivethemovie.com and we will get your story out. Just getting it down on paper will make a world of difference.

Keep Moving

2010-05-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

My sister Lynn and I just observed the 5th anniversary of our Mother’s death. “It just keeps rollin, just keeps on rollin along” These are lyrics from the song Ole Man River, that I would sing in basso profondo from the age 5-7. My mother used to say that, as she got older, time seemed to go by faster. Having just turned 60 my new mantra hit me immediately, “Don’t Wait”. Not very original, but a good jumping off point to Mom’s other expression. “Gotta keep movin” I guess you don’t really embrace these truisms until you occupy the space. It’s a different world from when I came to Hollywood in 1980 at the age of 30 and for the next 10 or so years would, with tongue in cheek, remind my friends that I was “In my prime” Funny enough I still feel that way and I’m not going to wait to take advantage of it. The lesson lives on even when the teacher is gone.

Was it Will Rogers who said that all that the only thing certain in life is death and taxes. What difference does knowing that make? Tax season is over, the next quarter is already closing and I have friends and family who have recently died or are very sick. There comes a point when you realize you are not the savior to all you know and love. That you can’t be there for everyone and that the unexpected will happen even as you are prepare to help.

I quote my friend Harry Leon who died at the age of 99. “I’m doing the best I can with the tools I have” Never really got it over all the years he said it to me. Doing the best you can.

My friend Nosson Deitsch died last week in a tragic jet ski accident. He was 21, full of life and a very religious young man. He taught young people and learned ancient laws, traditions and mystical connections to the universe. He lived his life fully. His older brother Levi had asked me to stay in touch with him after they lost their Dad a few years ago and was going thru a tough time. He’d made a deep connection with “Dying to Live” and a seen it several times. I found him to be joyous and upbeat. A lover of life. Nosson would call or email me out of the blue using his trademark introduction “Hey!” His death is inexplicable to me. An accident. A tragedy. Volumes can be written on him. All of the wheels that were put in place to bring him to that exact moment in time when he drew his last breath.

My young friend Coco has been diagnosed with cancer. He has a young son of 4 and two older children, a beautiful wife, looks like a movie star and has vitality, charm and a sweet & generous soul. He will beat it. Of this I am almost certain, but you can never be positive about anything in life except D & T.

Nosson’s brother, my close and dear friend Levi, is in year 3 of fighting off lung cancer. He has been thru various protocols at the NIH (National Institute of Health), has 4 kids, a thriving congregation, beautiful wife and a passion for people and living. When I visited him in Virginia recently he gave me a yellow wrist band that when translated from the Yiddish stated, “If you think positive, it will be positive” I wore it on my flight over to Europe and for days after. We found out about his brother Nosson the next week.

Today I’m in France with my girlfriend Catherine. Her Mom has just had her hip replaced at the age of 83, is recouping in a clinic and coming home in two days. We are making the house ready and Catherine is preparing to continue her care at home. The Mom, as we like to refer to her, has been a ball of energy her entire life, an artist and enthusiastic gardener. She’s bursting to come home and wWe’re nervous about being able to do the best we can. Catherine is giving maximum attention and going over every detail for her Mom. I know the feeling. I’m trying to help where I can and be supportive. I’ve been here before, but each time feels like the first.

Perspective. Having perspective on each moment. Living the moments out fully, each exact moment in time.

Sweet 60

2010-03-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

I had originally begun this entry as a story of a bunch of 60ish college friends going to Las Vegas over the NCAA sweet 16 weekend. They would be there to reaffirm their friendships, share memories of friends and families that had recently died and establish in their own minds that they could still bring it when needed.

I believe that story needs to be written and after the event I will re-visit it. But “Sweet 60” was just good to wait on seeing that I am turning 60 years old this Saturday March 20th. It has been 10 years since my Mother coined “50 is Nifty” not knowing she would be included in my film “Dying to Live- the journey into a man’s open heart” I was just out of the hospital 2 weeks after a complication to my heart- valve repairs and my Mom had flown out to Los Angeles to be there for the 50th. She was recovered from a surgery for colon cancer the previous December only 3 ½ months before and did not know anything about my heart condition or hospital stays. In thinking back it was the right choice to let her live without the additional worries of my illness, especially at that stage of her life and with her own medical concerns.

Now I am turning 60. What a decade. At one point I was going to write again about living from 50 to 60 as the “Lost Decade” But in truth it was transformative. My friend Jimmy who has preceded me to the sweetness told me “60 is the new 100”. It was funny the first time I heard it because I had expected to hear a more predictable Baby Boomer approach that would claim 60 to be the new 30. Well 60 is, for lack of a real understanding until I get there…60. and it feels good. I swam 1 ½ miles yesterday and the day before that I took a spinning class with a group of Gen X co-eds and must have dropped 2-3 pounds in sweat. I’m pushing it physically, opening up emotionally, being supportive to my loved ones, working on growing my relationship and finding new wrinkles in my creative process. I have hope and am optimistic about the world I live in.

Around me I’m aware of the challenges of advancing in age. The unexpected deaths and illnesses that are surrounding and invading my web of relations. No one goes untouched. I’m actively work on understanding the core of the models I most admired as a guide to what works as you age and rely more and more on my gut, not over thinking my actions. It’s all in me already. I’ve been thru a lot. I have learned what works for me. Sometimes I write this blog as a pep talk to myself. If I had any advice to myself it would be, Don’t Wait. Do it now. Be Honest with yourself and show your emotions. The people I’ve most admired were doer’s even under the worst circumstances and never once withheld their love.

My friend the writer John Shaner has two sayings that come to mind “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain” and “What comes from the heart, goes to the heart. Thanks John if you ever read this. I can and have turned those words into action. My Mom who lived to be 89 thru many difficulties also had two sayings I like, “Got to keep movin” and “Life is to give and receive love” The receiving has been more difficult, but rewarding.

So I plan to take it from my youngest nephew. When I ask him how things are going and he feels real good about himself he just responds “Sweet” That’s me. If I were to go tomorrow, I have had a great life. Loved fully, worked with talented artists, had wonderful friends, traveled the globe and genuinely tried to make a difference in the world thru my work and actions. Each day is a challenge and you can never coast, but life is sweet.

There is No Waiting

2010-03-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

I have just returned home after wintering in Europe. A funny concept since I live in California where I could have been walking around in a shirt most of the time and I just spent 3 months in scarves, gloves, down coats, boots, hats and umbrellas. The trip was great. I broke new ground writing short stories, gained confidence in a different culture and began to get a perspective on my country from afar. Life went on and ended for several friends and acquaintances. That part doesn’t get any easier and seems to be growing daily. Hearing news about friends, relatives and friends of friends. The Boomers and their parents are at the time of life when they are winding down and the unanticipated medical catastrophe is no longer unexpected.

The media has picked up on all of it. Keith Olberman on MSNBC is doing a series on end of life issues, as he lives with his Dad who is dying, going in and out of hospice. It was riveting to see him advocate for advanced directives and inter-family discussions that help to prepare for the inevitable deaths of our loved ones. Last night I watched Tom Brokaw host a two hour program on the Boomer Generation. Now in their 60’s, dealing with aging, their finances and their health seemingly for the first time. The generation that thought they would be young and live forever. The generation of hope and optimism.

Why lose hope or optimism when confronted with the reality of the human condition. We live, we die. It’s a matter of shifting the perspective of what we are hoping for. A good life and a good death. Quality lives that express our character and pass along traditions.

Coming home to the states I had to acknowledge the venom that has grown in the debate over healthcare reform. I received an email recently from a very well educated acquaintance about another matter that was prefaced with a dressing down (to put it mildly) of the current legislation being considered on healthcare reform and a bile soaked attack on the President and his agenda for change and reform. Is it really us against them? To see some of the specifics of her argument. Capital gains taxes going from 15 to 22 percent as 31 million more people become insured which will force doctors out of the profession as their fees are cut causing rationing of medical care. Than the re-emergence of “death panels’, couched in different language of oversight panels, to limit procedures for the elderly and claiming the entire reform package is structured as a giant Ponzi scheme in a power grab against the public’s liberties. I was afraid to open the attached link because her fear mongering rattled me.

Has it come to a place that we don’t trust the government that was voted in by a vast majority to perform from character? Are we all so afraid of our lower selves that we assume everyone else is trying to “do”us for their own self gain? Don’t Doctors take the Hypocratic oath?

I came home to find a close friend of mine at the end of her life just going into home hospice. She is 85 and has been fighting cancer for over 4 years. She has been courageous, vulnerable and a good friend. The truth is important to her and she is living these moments with authentic passion and presence. She has always lived in the moment. Her two Boomer children are with her and listening to her wishes. They are making choices for her funeral, her legacy and these last weeks of her life. The hour I spent alone with her the other day will stay with me forever. Her clear vision of character and authentic pursuit of life have been another model and star by which I will navigate my ship. I am acutely aware of how very lucky I’ve been to have had her friendship and the generous wisdom she has shared with me in the most trying of times. I was trying to comfort her and she has transformed me.

3 days later

In the time I have put this writing down, waiting to complete it at a more convenient and inspired moment, my friend has passed away. There is no waiting. Yesterday, on her last day of life, a ‘love feast’ was held at her house and I was invited to be in the company of her family and friends with whom she lived these 85 years. She had slipped into a calm sleep from which she would not wake and the word surreal was uttered by more than one person I spoke with. I have been in a fog since I received the news of her death this morning. It doesn’t get easier even with those who have had long and full lives. I know someone writing a play about a time “When everyone was alive” That is no longer the case and the future is well…apparently relentless. Now is all we have. Love up the one’s you love.

Heart Awareness Month

2010-02-23T12:15:00.000-08:00

February is “Heart Awareness Month”. During the course of the month, events are taking place all over the country educating the public about heart health. In looking into how I could get the film screened to reach appropriate audiences, I reconnected with some important concepts I’d found this year in a book entitled “The Heart Speaks” by Dr. Mimi Guarneri, a cardiologist and the founder & director of Scripps Center for Integrative Medicine. I’d become aware of Dr. Guarneri’s work last spring while researching programs to promote Dying to Live and came across an interview she did for public television. It rang a bell with me because of her acknowledgement of the heart as an emotional muscle and organ, which responds badly to anger, hostility, anxiety and depression. All of these emotions can be addressed in therapy and support groups, as well as with diet, exercise and meditation, along with stress reduction techniques like yoga and visualization.

It’s been 10 years since I had my surgery. My heart ailment was almost certainly genetic in origin, but the healing of my heart after surgery was strongly affected by my emotional state. Becoming fully aware of how these emotions can debilitate your heart and ruin your health is simple to understand as you follow the case studies related during Dr. Guarneri’s career. Another particularly relevant observation she makes is the role of listening and communicating with patients. The way she puts it, a patient will tell you what’s wrong with them if a doctor listens. You know what you’re feeling and you need to take the time and make the effort to relate it to your doctor.

Overcoming negative emotions is a daily, but winnable battle and one worth engaging to preserve your health. Getting in touch with your feelings sounds old hat and cheesy, but it can make all the difference in your life and to those closest to you.

10 Years Ago Today

2010-01-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

10 Years Ago today, I had open heart surgery at UCLA hospital in Los Angeles to repair my mitral valve, tri-cuspid valve and reduce the size of my left atrium. As a surgeon friend put it after the fact, I had “ a complete overhaul”.

In many different ways, that dramatic beginning to the new millennium would thrust me into a decade of momentous change and self-realization. I was working from the inside out and my heart would be the inspiration for moving me forward in life and bringing meaning and passion to my work, relationships and raison d’etre.

I had always been an emotional guy, but the reconfiguration in my core and the experiences and challenges I would soon encounter congealed in me a direction for the rest of my breathing life. You are finding a man not so much changed physically, but rather re-wired by the acknowledgement of his mortality and the unexpected opportunity to be with those he loved most in life as they lived until they died.

Summoning the muse and gathering the winds, I embark again to have my heart touched.

From Abroad

2009-12-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

I’m in Paris reading headlines on the internet that “Healthcare Talks Advance in the Senate” It makes me proud to be an American and watch from afar as the process works itself out and the right thing gets done. It’s great not watching the clawing and gnashing on cable news, but experiencing again the written press. Newspapers are not dead. You’re able to digest information without having hundreds of images and emotions dumped on you.

I just finished reading Ted Kennedy’s memoirs. His decades old commitment to healthcare reform was not a myth. It’s in the record. Now we are here watching some courageous and persistent statesmen put a mark on history that will bring security and quality to the lives of many more of our neighbors, friends and family. The encouragement we give them and each other to make the tough choices, which are long overdue, to enact healthcare reform will be something we all can be proud of for the rest of our lives. Persist.

It's Official!

2009-11-17T12:01:00.001-08:00

Today Dying to Live- the journey into a man’s open heart becomes available officially through Passion River Films at a variety of retail outlets online. i.e. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Best Buy, Target and Netflix. This statement in itself is a blatant chest beating to a newly discovered marketing rhythm, but what is invisible, in all of the graphics and synchronized talking points about this film experience, is the breath of humanity that filled the creative sails on this journey. I’ve spoken about how lucky I have been in life and today I am experiencing this more profoundly than before. It is not the intense emotional high of my early work in the theater, business or my personal relationships, but a deeper sense and trust of self, molded by my family, friends, colleagues and fellow seekers.

Perhaps it is knowing that I am beginning a new chapter, that I am able to walk away from this table today without looking back because I now own all of my experience. The love I shared with my family, wife and friends. Which I was able to receive and give releases me now. A revived freedom arrives rooted in the work of expressing fully my truths.

I am aware that the work doesn’t end. That tomorrow, somewhere I’ll be pulling my shoes on to walk up a hill. But for this briefest of moments today, with fingers pulling words that embrace momentarily the souls who blessed me with the inspiration and will to keep moving in the dark. Today it’s official. I am a man giving thanks to those who have gone before and gracefully given me so much.

Almost 10 Years

2009-11-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

I had my first stress echo on my heart in more than 4 years and all is good. I even surpassed my stress levels of my last test. My Doctor informed me that there is no leak in my valve and it all looked very good. In fact, I looked the best to him since I first started seeing him 7-8 years ago.

All good to hear. Over the course of the year, I’ve been to several other physicians to have a an overall check-up (prostate, liver, etc), to have my varicose vein removed from my right leg, and to have several pre-cancerous lesions removed by a dermatologist. I needed to see a hematologist regarding low platelet readings that have been going on for several years and required a MTI and CAT scan of my liver and spleen. I saw an orthopedic surgeon with an accompanying CAT scan of my right knee revealing a torn meniscus, which I am trying to rehab to forgo the suggested surgery for now. Not uneventful this year, but overall my health is good. I work at my exercise, diet, rest and mental health. I give and receive love from Catherine, my family and friends. I forgot to list a trip to the emergency room in Marseilles a year ago in the fall when I was constipated for about 10 days, which was very uncomfortable, as I was concerned it could have been an obstruction or something.

They've got me working again. This is life.

It’s becoming a bit of maintenance.

But what occurred to me as I lay again on my left side in a quiet dark room all wired up, seeing images of my beating heart out of the corner of my eye and hearing the swoosh of the blood flow over the machines speakers, is how all of the old feelings return immediately. The fear and apprehension that perhaps this time they will find something in the echo that’s not right or that you’ll hear the words that I came to know as “the kiss of death.: “This is interesting” or “Let me see if the Doctor is still here”.. These phrases inevitably signaled for me the beginning of a new medical adventure and a ride on a euphemistic emotional roller coaster. It was not the case on Wednesday, October 28, 2009. I was fine, almost 10 years (2 months shy) of my open-heart surgery.

I repeat it often. I’m lucky. As much because my genes, regime, medical care and primary heart surgery are working and keeping me well, but also it’s because I have the health insurance to stay on top of my conditions and raise early warning flags when more serious problems arise. I have always had a great plan of coverage through my union The Screen Actors Guild, which brings me to wonder, What if I didn’t? Where would I be? Would I be alive today?

It's Sinking In

2009-10-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

It’s finally beginning to sink in to me that passion alone is not enough to affect change, persistence is the key. Always had heard that cliché “perspiration not inspiration” brings success. Not particularly poetic for one who has delved into the arts as his raison d’etre, but in the end the relentless pursuit for truth and justice takes time and focused energy.

Two weeks ago, I watched the Senate Finance Committee finish it’s deliberations and “mark up” of the bill they ultimately recommended to the Senate. For all of the intense animosity that has gone back and forth between the two parties, it was remarkable to see the negotiative legislative process at work. Taking a step back from the passion driving the move towards healthcare reform, it was obvious to see that both sides care about the issue. They burnt the midnight oil, tried to remain civil and looked for ways to agree. After watching the debates on the issues it was apparent to me that common ground exists. However small, it’s the place from where this reform is coming from. The ego stroking aside, I witnessed, along with anyone who cared to be lulled by the obscure language and parliamentary protocol, a process of which I am confident (but not certain), that will deliver far reaching benefits for our society as a whole.

The news of that week from the House of Representatives was not Rep. Grayson of Orlando Florida dissing the Republicans, but rather his impassioned acknowledgement of the incredibly high number of Americans that are dying each day in this country without healthcare. Lives are being lost by continued inaction and Grayson continues to make the case each day and each hour of the expanding cost to human life thru inactivity. His upfront, in your face presentations make it impossible to avoid. Attention must be paid to the fact that the longer we do nothing, the more people will die. That’s exactly what happened during the Holocaust and the mantra thereafter was “Never Again”. I’m sure today families are huddled again feeling persecuted by a society that hasn’t had the time or awareness to help them attain what I believe to be their right. Having affordable and quality healthcare insurance for themselves and their families. We’ve all become callous to death while watching the latest “entertainments” on television and in film. Hundreds of violent and horrific images are flashed before us in a moments time. But a death lasts within a family forever. It marks us deeply.

If government exists for any good reason, it is to protect its citizens. No one wants to get sick and it is our common duty to protect and help our neighbors when their health is threatened just as if the physical security were threatened. There are too many people one healthcare crisis away from financial ruin and unconscionable numbers are dying each day without the coverage that would save their lives. It is our duty to speak of it every hour of each day until our lips are parched and our energy drained until something gets done.

It's On Everyone's Mind

2009-09-19T02:40:00.000-07:00

Take a look at this article: The Case for Killing Granny

I sat in the front seat of my friend Jim’s car this week listening to his diatribe about the insurance industry. He is an Ear, Nose and Throat Surgeon who has a practice of 40% medicare and medical patients. Livid over having to fight tooth and nail every day for care for his patients. He wants to retire and is not able to find anyone to assume the responsibility and care for his patients. I’ve rarely seen a man as angry. A man who has performed for humanity for the better part of a 30 odd year career. Desperate for a public option for HIMSELF! Where are the voices to rise up in this country. The voices of reason and humanity needed to be heard above the rabble of ignorance and greed. I wish I’d had a camera on him tonight. He was brilliant in the dim street lights. People are having these conversations everywhere seeking to find the road to affordable quality healthcare for all. We all get it don’t we? People are suffering and dying because they don’t have health insurance or as he put it, the way the insurance companies make a profit is by taking our premiums and refusing care. THEY didn’t take the Hippocratic oath. They are a business. Truthfully it would be wrong if they weren’t trying to make a profit for their shareholders and owners. But we can’t be held hostage by insurance companies. Make them compete with government who is working for the people. Am I blind or out of my mind completely? What is the freedom we are all fighting for? I’ve said this before. I’m lucky. I have good insurance and haven’t been refused care ever. Also I have the wherewithal to pay for care. I am able to pick up a phone and make an appointment any time I want. A very famous writer friend of mine is in disbelief that I still believe in doctors and medicine. It’s science for God’s sake. Tested as far as possible to the day. I know Doctor’s PRACTICE medicine, but they watch the statistics of millions of trials and use what works the best historically. Do you want to create the wheel again??? Go ahead and try, but until than I’ll drive my car and bicycle. To hear the continuous stream of stories of our neighbors being denied care or going bankrupt because of medical bills. What is that? Bad luck. Should have been smarter in school. Tried harder. Saved More. Where does the hysterical fear of me wanting what you have come from? I won’t know until I give it all away, but I’d like to sit in a room with Max Baucus or any of the Democratic and Republicans that are opposed to an equitable resolution to reform. Want to wait another 15 years? That’s about how long since Bill Clinton tried to move forward. Not good for me. I’ll very likely be dead like those before me, unable to enjoy the knowledge that our fellow countrymen will not have to fear sleepless night’s worrying about whether or not they can get treatment for themselves and their families for what hurts. As simple as that. Now in 2009.

Are you surprised that everybody is discussing healthcare reform? I know tonight over dinner the conversation will turn that way again with the two physicians we’ll eat with. Even at the expense of rewinding my same mantra in front of my girlfriend for the umpteenth time in the last 4 weeks. The conversation must be had and it can’t be stated strongly enough. The time for change is now. “Respect must be paid” Especially to the elderly who are walking around in fear that their coverage will disappear or not be afforded or worse yet that they will be euthanized.

My older friend Peggy who is in her mid 80’s, who I met thru Valerie, is scared to death that there will be no benefits left for her. Watching the fear on FOX every night. Petrified in her 90 pound skeleton shell. A life well lived believing that she will be abandoned in a country far greater than her native England. I hear the Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity talking points stumbling out of her mouth with fear and force. Did not the President refute these claims this week. There are no “Death Panels”, Medicare services will not be reduced much less taken away.

I was sitting at a “family style” table at a local favorite lunch place. “Le Pain Quotodien” (bread of the day) a bit pretentious probably but Catherine my girlfriend lives over the original in Brussels and its really simple food, salads, pastries etc. An older couple sat across from us and I heard them energetically discussing potential reforms to the healthcare system. They were in thier late 70’s early 80’s and I don’t believe they were married. In fact it sounded more like a date conversation with both their points of views be laid on the table. As I reached over to get the sugar laden jams to sweeten my brunch I told them that I had overheard some of their discussion and that I was glad they were discussing the subject as it’s obvious the results of action by Congress will affect us all and I believed their generation was in a position to lead because they’ve seemingly been dismissed as active players in it all. We have to remember that it was under their forethought decades ago that we got Social Security and Medicare. I can’t help seeing older people without being reminded of my Mother and the trust I had in her decision-making. Well they sparked to the conversation and wanted to make their thoughts known on a variety of issues. In fact I need to realize that I can’t open that door without being prepared to listen and listen. Folks are concerned and it is an issue that I sense people feel more connected to than the economy, which seems like big magic and war, which seems like bad magic. In fact these two trusted the President and were not as sure about the Congress. They felt the country had given a mandate for change in the election and wanted it followed.

I’m off to see a buddy who had back surgery this week. He’s miserable. We have to take care of each other. That’s what it’s all about.

A Right Not A Privilege

2009-08-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

Over the years I’ve often heard it asked as to one’s whereabouts when you heard that President Kennedy had been shot. I was as a skinny young kid watching the small and grainy black & white TV screen in our den in Levittown. In the days that followed I was moved by the sad cadence of the unfolding story as the country took in the gravity of that unalterable moment. And when Bobby Kennedy was shot in Los Angeles, I was also at home in the same den as the crushing news of the end to the candidacy and life of my first political hero was broadcast. It was the first presidential campaign I had ever worked on and I was at home awaiting the results of the Los Angeles primary and dreaming my young idealistic dreams. Those early voices that I’d heard for hope were gone.

And I will always remember where I was today when I learned that Ted Kennedy had died. Maybe it was because he succumbed to the same disease that had taken my Mother’s life and I empathized with his family for what I know was a long and difficult struggle watching their hero diminish. But more probably it’s because I’m mature enough now to truly understand the courage and work that it takes to make hope & dreams a reality and the historic crossroads we are at for affecting healthcare reform for the generations to come.

For decades, Ted Kennedy represented a clear and passionate voice for quality and affordable healthcare for every American. We are all living this same moment in a common place with the same challenges in front of us. We can decide now to remember this day as a time we altered our path to push for what we know to be a right and not a privilege in helping our fellow man. We can remember this moment as a time where new voices rose up to make a difference. Where new men and women assumed the mantels of the lions who had brought society so far.

I hope that I will always remember where I was when I got the inevitable news of Senator Kennedy’s death sitting with my small bowl of fruit in pajamas watching the morning news before rushing off into the dawns gleam. I hope I remember that I helped to make a difference for those less fortunate because I had been lucky in life and know in my heart that good healthcare is a right and not a privilege for all. Here, now and always.

Where were you?

The Truth Finds Us

2009-08-11T00:07:00.000-07:00

Ezra Klein - Is the Government Going to Euthanize your Grandmother? An Interview With Sen. Johnny Isakson.

With the debate on healthcare reform gaining momentum this month, the personal stories of individuals and families either denied healthcare by their providers or without health insurance at all, are coming more into the public light. I’ve become a bit numb in my reaction to the stories having lived through my own medical maelstrom, but just scratching the surface a bit brings back the moments of panic that takes over your life when least expected. The issues around health, well-being, care and financial stability become the first and last thought of each day and the entire world is colored by the fluctuation in each arena.

That we as a generation and a society are at a turning point to help ourselves is not part of the debate. We all know it. We know it’s right to reform a system that is not functioning efficiently with the most important element of our lives; our health. (Our grandmothers and theirs before them knew that “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything”). We know it’s right to make healthcare available to every member of society, just as we make education, personal security and equal rights available.

As we watch the angry response to the inclusion of a measure that would have medicare pay for the consultation with a doctor of the patient's own choosing, in regards to end of life issues, it occurs to me that the need for the provision will be very clear to everyone when they find they are in that inevitable position themselves or with their parents, spouses or children. We all face the same challenges and no matter how strong or brave we are, we all need help.

The scenes being played out at the “town hall” meetings across the country demonstrate how much fear underlies all of healthcare. In the brief images I’ve seen, it’s reminiscent of the clips of the civil rights struggle in ending segregation in this country. The venom and fear mongering grows each day. As difficult as it is, our generation is confronting this fear and seeking the truth. It’s painful but liberating, and in the end, the truth finds us.

It's the economy stupid!

2009-04-15T12:57:00.001-07:00

It’s the economy stupid! Man, being what he is, always responds best when his economic back is to the wall: he neutralizes ethics, family loyalty and spiritual beliefs when faced with the bottom line.

Easter Sunday of Passover week, we've seen the Judeo-Christian ethic in full commercialized display. Broadcasting the Ten Commandments and Franco Ziffereli’s Jesus Series, networks have put family values up front and center.

The holidays always evoke underlying emotion for me and this year was no different. For many months I’ve avoided touching upon the deep memories that make up my core. I go through periods of protecting myself from these uncomfortable feelings. Yet the image of Charleton Heston as Moses returning from the mountain, a changed man, after experiencing the burning bush, moved me. It’s a movie I’ve seen many times, but this time I reacted to this biblical moment differently. The story being a metaphor for our own struggle to achieve freedom from our own bondages in life, I related it to my inner changes from the searing truths I experienced confronting mortality and death. For months I’ve been working and wrestling as to how I can transform my personal experiences and revelations in Dying to Live-the journey into a man’s open heart to the greater public good. Taking up this mission of service and bringing it forth in the world has been tough.

I saw a show recently that made the following claim:

In the next decade, the amount of people working until they reach the age of 70 will increase by two-thirds.

Why? Because the bottom line demands it. The global economic downturn is going to have far reaching effects. It requires that we remain healthier longer; taking care of our ailing spouses and parents while we all grapple with maintaining and improving the quality of our own lives. It does NOT mean that less individuals will get sick! After all, cancer, heart disease and chronic illnesses will not turn away just because people need to continue to make a living. It does NOT mean that family members won’t die. It just means that we’ll be busier keeping food on the table and paying for insurance while caring for each other and surviving the human condition.

With this knowledge comes strength. We must be prepared to ask ourselves the difficult eternal questions now, before we are confronted with these challenges. If we are our brother’s keeper, then we must be prepared emotionally and financially, in our hearts and in our minds, for the tests that will inevitably come. Of course,there is the risk that in asking these questions we may find tough answers, but from this growth will come.

Loyalty, love and respect. The old traditions will become the new reality. Someone in each family must initiate the process and lead.

Ben Mittleman
Ben@dyingtolivethemovie.com
www.dyingtolivethemovie.com

New Beginnings

2008-11-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday would have been my 8th wedding anniversary with Valerie. For me it’s a time to remember the hope we had for our life together and a renewal of my hope for the future. With the election tomorrow, the last months and weeks have been specifically focused on the needs of average families across America. Their dreams and struggles have been brought into our homes each night as the candidates attempt to identify and carve out policy that will address the pressing issues facing us all. There is no doubt that issues surrounding healthcare will be at the forefront for the next administration. Each family is or will be facing circumstances regarding mortality, loss, spousal illness and parental dependence. This is our common reality and no one goes untouched. How to be prepared, prevent, pay for and emotionally survive these challenges will require the support of institutions, families and friends. Over the past months I’ve watched screenings of “Dying to Live” provide a cathartic forum and a catalyst for discussion by audiences relating to these truths of the human condition. As the film “illuminates the remarkable resiliency of the human spirit” they’ve been confronted to acknowledge the toughest decisions they face in their own lives. Watching one man face his own searing truth has enabled audiences to touch their greatest fears and begin to address them.

Recently I have been drawn into circles of orgs with specific missions of education and support for a variety of health and social issues. I’ve learned that my friend Joe Pantoliano has founded an organization called “No Kidding, Me Too!” This is a nonprofit org. comprised of entertainment industry members united in an effort to educate Americans about the epidemic related to brain dis-ease in all forms. The website is www.nokiddingmetoo.org Their work is both inspirational and moving, providing support to “Remove the Stigma!” for those affected by mental illness.

Discovering work like NKM2 brings with it hope in our ability to find new ways to use media to make a positive impact on society and the world. See you on the other side of the election when we all begin to move forward together.

Going to Jacksonville

2008-05-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

I just found a summary review of the movie in the NY Times: http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/453071/
Dying-to-Live-The-Journey-Into-a-Man-s-Open-Heart/overview

I don’t remember being mentioned in the NY Times since I my first starring role in a film, “Moving Violations” for Paramount in 1983 and again when I appeared on stage in John Shaner’s play “After Crystal Night” in NYC later in the 80’s. The thing about any kind of review is; “If you believe the good one’s, you have to believe the bad one’s” In this case I’m drawn to the comment in the Times about “how the demands of maturity can make themselves known at nearly any age.” The hits keep on coming and I’m doing the best I can. Last night I got a phone call from my friend Peggy. She must be in her mid 80’s. Very frail and tiny. Valerie used to call her Twee. She was like an auntie to Valerie. She asked if I would take her over to the Emergency Room at Cedar Sinai here in Los Angeles. She was experiencing vertigo, shortness of breath and a fever. I said I’d be there in 5 minutes and was, but I must admit that I was very uncomfortable being back in the hospital called on yet again to hold someone’s hand. Maturity for me is not, as I might have hoped, a passage in life that ultimately occurs at a certain point in time and than exists. It needs to be worked on at the most unexpected times. I realize most people understand this, but for me it’s always a new realization. Here I am thinking that I’ve grown-up in living thru all of my experience with mortality, care-giving and death. Than the making of this film relating my personal truths and the gratification of bringing it to an audience that could use it to address difficult issues in their own lives. Now I was asked to be there again for a friend and I resented it. I was uncomfortable. Not wanting to change my routine and forgo my needs.

I’ve been speaking after many screenings of Dying to Live discussing end of life issues. A common thread for me is stating that we give so much attention to life when it’s brought into the world and the same care should be given when a life is beginning to leave the world. Last night I consciously had to work on my patience. It’s still tough being an "adult."

I’m getting ready to leave for the Jacksonville Film Festival on Saturday. We screen there on May 19. It will be great to get an audience reaction to the movie in an entirely different region of the country and discuss these issues.

East Coast Visit

2008-04-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

After the film finished it’s run in LA on March 27, I took it to the Media Festival for the Joint Conference for The American Society on Aging and The National Council on Aging in Washington D.C. on March 29. The film played to a good audience that was extremely involved and interactive after the screening. We were in front of our core audience that understood the film on many levels and was able to give me specific input about distribution and marketing that we’re beginning to implement. The entire spirit of the convention was so upbeat and full of life. I was proud to be included in their company and see the movie be embraced by this audience

After having some meetings in the D.C area in regards to planning future screening events in the area, I went up to NYC to begin to look for distribution in the city and discuss doing a benefit for a wonderful caregiving model organization called Share the Care

The Los Angeles Premiere

2008-04-02T07:39:00.000-07:00

The premiere of dying to Live on March 13 was a success raising $6000 for The Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation and the Los Angeles Caregivers Resource Center. The film got very emotional and positive responses from the sold out hose. There were over 250 people in attendance. Bob Landau, my editor, was quite moving at the post screening Q&A in saying that “usually you go into making a movie with a friend and by the time you finish you’re barely speaking”. In this case he said “he came out of the film with a new friend” and by this time he was crying. I feel the same about him and this reflects on how the entire experience of the movie is playing out. I am surprised by the continuous authentic expression of emotion the movie generates. It is humbling and inspiring.

My sister, brother-in-law, nephews and niece and several friends flew across the country to be there. My niece Eva made a special point in a card she wrote thanking me for the legacy I was leaving the family. The entire evening and days leading up to it are special in my memory. My team pulled together to make it all come together ad we rode a bit of an emotional rollercoaster until the screening was fully realized.

We played at the Laemmle Music Hall for two weeks. The film received very good reviews and articles that were positive, insightful and constructive for both the audience and me. Though the movie didn’t connect with everyone, which was to be expected. I had to remind myself of the old actor’s adage “If you believe the good reviews, you have to believe the bad one’s” For me. I made the best film I could make of a story I had to tell. I’d gone pretty far out on a limb both in content and style. Thankfully for promotion sake our press was really good.

Most importantly for me the film began to find it’s true audience. I conducted Q&A’s after every 7:30 showing for the entire run and found the comments to be strong and open. So many people related personally to the circumstances of story and the issues it raises around mortality and death. Over time I’ve learned more about how to position the film so that it can have the greatest exposure and reach the broadest demographics.

A caregiver who has been taking care of several members of her family was sobbing after one of the showings and immediately said to me “Now I know why I do what I do”. I believe this is my feeling too in about making the film. I believe I’m working and living as authentically as I can and I’m now able to have some perspective on the entire process of getting the film opened and digesting the reactions. One woman saw the film as universally healing and insightful in helping her to deal with her aging mother. Another guy was looking for strength to help his brother as they prepared to confront their parents ultimate needs. People continued to relate their own stories and I heard a woman tearfully & breathlessly tell of her 70 year old brother just having had a double lung transplant. I related specifically to her weeks of being on constant call for him and acting his sole advocate with his doctors. It is rare to have a lung transplant past 60. It was because she advocated for him them the doctors relented. Everyone needs an advocate at times of serious illness or near the end of their life.

The stories went on. A woman admitting she was in a constant battle with her brother over whether to keep a feeding tube in their father when he was unable to make that decision for himself and another family revealing they had lost their 30 year old son to a heart attack while he was playing basketball. I’ve kept saying that my life was no different than anyone else’s. I just happened to have a camera turned on. The audiences were glad to have a place to vent heir own stories and relieve the feelings they were continuing to keep inside. These events affect everyone.

The catalyst I’d hoped the film to be to provoke audiences was happening. Someone who had seen the film twice told me he was finally taking the healthcare system into his own hands and seeking out the proper medical care he long avoided because he’d realized the importance of keeping himself healthy for the sake of his family.

There were discussions about relationships, faith, family, traditions, the healthcare system, end of life issues and bereavement. Intense and engaging 40 minute sessions that continued into the lobby when the next screening began.

Sometimes the audiences were large and sometimes small but they were always engaged with the content of the film

Tribute to Mom

2008-02-20T11:04:00.000-08:00

I have an acquaintance at my synagogue, Gary Karz, who I have known for the last seven years. He started attending to say memorial prayers (kaddish) at the same time I was saying kaddish for my wife Valerie. He was saying kaddish for his mother at the time. He's a very nice guy, gracious and smart with a dry sense of humor.

He recently became aware of Dying to Live from the promotional work we have been doing in preparation for the premiere on March 13. He sent me an email with his own story about his mother, which parallels a lot of the same experiences that I had with Valerie and my Mom. It is very well written and quite informative. We've been in close proximity for many years, but I never knew this story. It brings out a point that was made when I screened Dying to Live for the Men's Center of Los Angeles, that you only see a small part of the person standing in front of you.

Please take a moment to check out Tribute to Mom by Gary Karz and his family.

Affordable Healthcare

2008-02-19T14:43:00.000-08:00

Last night I came face to face with one of the big challenges of our generation. It wasn’t theoretical - it was real. Uninsured families. A childhood friend who I have known since I was 3 years old, invited me to dinner so that I could see his Mom. She was visiting from back east for the first time since she lost her husband last spring. I’ve know them 55 years and it was a belated condolence call for me, which never gets any easier no matter how many people I’ve lost personally or who I have known to pass on.

Although I’d seen my friend recently, I hadn’t seen his Mom and it brought back terrific memories of good times we shared on Long Island with my parents. It reminded me of the music and laughs which flowed through our home.

At one point I made a comment about the very tasty sweet wine that was being served at this Friday night Shabbat meal. The conversation turned to my friend’s blood sugars, his elevated triglyceride levels and the fact that neither he, nor his wife or son, who was away at college, had health insurance. My friend is 55 and his Dad had diabetes. He’s never had a colonoscopy, does not get annual check-ups and does not have an interest to do anything for his own health. I could feel his mother sitting next to me, exhaling slowly, listening to a conversation that must be difficult to have with a son who is a Wharton school graduate and very smart. Too smart.

The conversation then turned to the huge expense it would take to cover the entire family for a man working two separate jobs as a high level accountant, sometimes getting only 3 hours of sleep a night. He was still having trouble making ends meet enough to send his son to college and wasn’t able to afford health insurance for his family.

I had no response. I was speechless. This is reality. Not mine but the reality of the real world. I just told him that he had to get a physical. That so many diseases, when diagnosed early, were very treatable. He is in that age group, over 50 when you just need to be more proactive. There must be a way to get an internist for a reasonable cost to do a complete physical and check any problem areas.

There was a whole conversation about how he used to get a physical from the life insurance companies but how that has changed now that he has life but no medical. It was upsetting for me. I thought that maybe I should help him find a way to pay for it. What about everyone else that is sitting at home waiting for a time bomb to go off and not prepared to go anywhere to take care of it?

I said something about it seeming reasonable to set up a physical for about $250-$300 and he asked if the colonoscopy would be thrown in with that. I could not understand how such a smart guy could be so ignorant about a procedure that could save a life if administered in time. Yes there is another argument about many of these preventative procedures being over prescribed but I believe it’s commonly accepted that when you reach 50 you have one. What about checking your prostate once a year? It’s simple and can prevent a bunch of anguish down the line.

How do you educate a population of educated people, much less uneducated people, about their best interests regarding health? Because if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything. If you wait too long, you may not be able to do anything about it. We need universal healthcare that’s affordable, accessible and of good quality. This is a social priority.

2008-02-11T12:37:00.000-08:00

Thoughts beginning to come forth...

Last week I was asked to participate on a panel seeking to set out a bi-partisan platform on healthcare reform for whoever the eventual candidates are for the presidency. It was sponsored by the Creative Coalition and The Partnership to Fight Chronic Disease. The panel was moderated by former U.S. Surgeon General Richard Carmona (2002-2006) and included several healthcare experts who focused on the fact that chronic disease is the leading cause of death and disability in the U.S. and accounts for the vast majority of healthcare spending. I was there to put a personal face on chronic illness.

It was the first time that I’d told the story of Dying to Live - the journey into a man’s open heart to such a large audience. It was also an audience of theatre, film and TV people including a number of celebrities. The response was strong and I’m beginning to realize that many of the thoughts I’ve had about the resonance of the issues of the film are beginning to come forth. I’m not that different than any of the folks in that audience or many others regarding the medical and personal challenges I’ve encountered. I just happened to have a camera turned on while the events of my life played out. But in one regard I am different than a number of other audiences that may see the film. I had the resources to confront many of the challenges with insurance and I had the time and means to provide caregiving to my loved ones when it was most needed. This theme is becoming consistent in all the conversations I am having after screening and discussing the film.

I’m beginning to get into the loop of people who want to make changes in society in a variety of ways. Some of it gets a bit heady to be in the company of people whose work I’ve appreciated for along time. The case in point was an invitation to attend the AARP Magazine “Movies for Grownups” awards. As you know AARP caters to the above 50 demographic in the US and has an active involvement in supporting quality entertainment for this part of the population. I found interest in the film that evening and am hoping that AARP may review the film or do an article on it as the film is really for baby Boomers and Seniors who are one of the most underserved audiences. I’ve been surprised with how seniors respond to screenings of the film, relating so strongly with my mom & aunt going on to tell me “ we have kids your age that we didn’t realize were facing such challenges in their lives”.

Two reviews of the film came out recently. Since I started my career as an actor 35 years ago there was always the apprehension and excitement surrounding the reviews of the work. A lot has been written about critics and the perspectives on things. You know if you believe the good ones you should be believe the bad ones too. I’m glad the film is having the opportunity to find its audience.

Here’s where you can read the reviews:
http://growthhouse.typepad.com/les_morgan/

http://menscenterlosangeles.blogspot.com/2008/02/review-and-invitation-to-dying-to-live.html

A Blogger reviews Dying to Live

2008-02-04T09:37:00.000-08:00

Les Morgan of Growth House has written a review which can be seen at: Dying to Live Review

Also, take a look at this article about the Creative Coalition event where I was a panelist.

“I need help immediately”

2008-01-17T11:04:00.001-08:00

“I need help immediately” These are the words my sister wrote on the in house internet message board when we were pressed to find a live in caregiver for my Mother. Mom had undergone brain surgery to remove a malignant tumor at John’s Hopkins Hospital and I had spent 8 weeks in Baltimore with her while she worked hard on rehab.

My sister and I found an assisted living facility directly next to my Mother’s condo. High end with big support. We much of her beloved furniture of a lifetime into the small apartment she was assigned and spent two days with her there as she adjusted. She ate the rich food and interacted at the sing-alongs of old standards. We booked an evening nurse to stay with her in case she was disoriented in the night.

Finally we decided it was time for Mom to try it on her own. No night Nurse. We left with me saying” Mom, what do you do if you need anything?” and she responded “I press this!” indicating the emergency button necklace they had given her at the facility. We went home nervous but hopeful.

Giving Mom time in the morning to be gotten up, dressed and had breakfast, we went to her new “apt”. Opening the door to her apartment we found Mom collapsed on the floor lying on her back and fidgeting with her hands around her neck. I thought she was having a seizure. We jumped next to her, stroking her, telling her everything would be alright. I thought she might be having a stroke, but my sister said she was trying to push the emergency button. While dressing her, the morning staff had tucked it in her blouse and it was nowhere to be found. That was it. We said we were taking her back to her own home.

We needed help immediately. We got it when luck and the universe merged into harmony with our family. Someone responded to my sister’s plea at school. They knew a great woman who had taken care of a friend’s parent. She worked for an agency. When we called them we found she had been booked into another job but wanted to live in, she could be available that night. We got Mom home now disoriented and thinking she had a condo in the same building but on a different floor. That night Pita arrived. She changed all of our lives. The care, love commitment and humor she gave over the last seven months of my Mom’s life allowed us confidence and a chance for Mom to live as fully and comfortably as was possible. She became our family and the love affair between my Mom and Pita flourished. I moved back to Virginia for the better part of the seven month’s and got to witness, help and enjoy Mom’s life.

I tell the story because this experience even more so demonstrated to me the importance that good caregiving can bring to a patient and a family in the most difficult and important time in their lives. I’m very happy to announce that the second charity that will benefit at the premiere for Dying to Live on March 13 is The Los Angeles Caregivers resource Center. Their commitment to educating and supporting caregivers is a big asset to the community at large and we are hoping to broaden the awareness of this important organization.

Some good news.

2008-01-15T10:03:00.000-08:00

Some good news. The Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation (MARF) is going to be one of the charities that the premiere of Dying to Live will benefit March 13 at the Laemmle Music Hall Theater in Beverly Hills. It’s important for me to be extending the mission of the film in helping to find a cure for the disease that Valerie died from. She continues to inspire me.

MARF has gotten the highest rating from The Charity Navigator which means MARF makes the highest percentage of money donated available for research. It is for both mainstream and alternative treatment. We had experiences on all levels of treatment, mainstream chemo, alternative blood product therapy in the Bahamas and experimental treatments of medications right near the very end of her life.

I’ m glad to be getting things in motion. I want to hear the conversations that follow screenings.

A friend of mine told me that the film changed his awareness to the needs of a pal who was laid up in hospital with an unknown ailment. My friend wound up going to see him everyday. Just to be there.

I’m hearing that I do pretty well on the internet for my age. Who knows? Recently I felt like I discovered a new world when I found a large resource site for Volunteerism while researching appropriate charities for the film. There are lots of people committed to making a difference.

My experience was not different than anybody else’s. I just happened to have a camera turned on. In making the film, all I was trying to do was tell the truth about what happened to me and make sense of the path it led me down. But mostly to face the truth. It’s freeing me. I hope some folks will write some of their experiences here….

CONTINUING ON THE TRIP TO BRUSSELS

2007-12-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

12/22/07

...continued

But it was with my Mom, at 88, independent and full of life, who suddenly collapsed one day with a malignant brain tumor, where all of my adult growth came together. As my sister and I knew from her directives, we had surgery to remove her tumor at John’s Hopkins Hospital. She rehabbed there and was brought back to her own home, miraculously finding a committed Philippine caregiver named Pita to stay with her. I spent the majority of eight months back in Virginia assisting in her care with my sister. Spending day after day doing the simplest things with my mother. Reading the paper, re-teaching this bridge whiz how to play cards again. I did the food shopping in suburban supermarkets specializing in promotions getting 10 for $10. 10 for 10 became my mantra. I took her to most of her radiation and chemo treatments and to see her doctors. I was lucky to be able to be there.

My mom and I had our own joke that we shared every day. We’d drive from Mclean to the hospital in Arlington for her radiation treatment and I would get Mom out of the car and into the lobby of the hospital in her wheel chair. I’d wheel her to a quiet spot to wait for me while I went to park the car. As I turned to go back out I would look back in her wheelchair and say to her with pointed finger “And remember….” and Mom would cut me off responding “Don’t go anywhere!” She got it. These were great gifts to me. Learning what was demanded of husbands and sons and being able to deliver. Not perfectly but with care. The great luck was that I had the time and means to be there for those I loved. Lucky for them and for me.

This is where I am now: the movie is finished and we’re looking to align the project with two charities that can make a difference in the lives of folks not as lucky. People who have to work full time jobs, have dependents, can’t get off for the time they need to hold the hands of loved ones at the end of their lives. People who want to just be there when it counts, to calm and reassure during difficult times. This is becoming my extended mission now. For one I want to aid in finding a cure for Mesothelioma, the disease that took Valerie from me, but I also want to help a hands-on group that will make a difference in important lives as they near their end.

ON THE TRIP TO BRUSSELS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

2007-12-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

12/22/07

I’m off to Brussels to spend Christmas and New Years with my girlfriend Catherine and her family. I’ve been bumped up to business class on British Air, which will make the first leg of the 14 hour trip more comfortable. The translucent wall has been lowered and I’m telling fellow travelers, who are sitting across from me, about Dying to Live to their sincere interest. You never know where the next advocate will surface. I realize that my focus really has shifted to getting the movie out to the widest possible audience. I’m looking forward to spending the next ten days with Catherine and her family. They are straightforward and close. I’m honored to be a part of their loop.

I’ve often felt that I was one of the luckiest guys in the world. First of all I was lucky to have had such a passionate and honest relationship with my late wife Valerie for 21 years. I had more authenticity and love in 21 seconds with her than some guys experience in a lifetime. Now, during the holidays, I am yearning for Valerie and missing her. It’s like there is a hole in my heart that can never be filled.

Sitting here in the glow of the receding sun and listening to the hum of the jets, it’s easy to reflect. I realize that I’ve always had a lot of luck. Tall, athletic, blonde hair and blue eyes. When I was growing up my sister called me “The Prince,” way before it became fashionable to refer to the female gender of the clan as a “Jewish American Princes.”

I was lucky to meet my mentors in the theater. They brought me forward on many levels. Rip Torn told me it was good luck to make love on a stage when I was in a production of Hamlet with him while training as an actor at the Circle in the Square Theater and having a fling with the stage manageress. Maureen Stapleton referred to me as “ a perfect person” to one thousand of her closest friends. Paul Newman, after seeing a short video I’d put together with his daughter Susan on the Pinter play “The Lover,” told me: “You have a very strong presence and you’re obligated to do something with it.” These are the kinds of things you remember at a certain time of life. It’s the foundation of your own self-support system.

Of course there was luck and synchronicity when I met some of the most important people in my life like Valerie, my close college and theater friends, and the playwrights John Shaner & Bernard Slade who gave me opportunity and confidence to passionately grow my work.

Than there was the different luck I had when I was able to actually affect people’s lives when they needed it most. When Valerie was dying and we were able to have her at home for a few more months and I was able to be there with her everyday. Also, when my aunt Bess went back into the hospital with congestive heart failure during this same period and I was able to be with her before and after Valerie’s chemo treatments. I had the time, means and love to be with them so that they wouldn’t experience fear in those unknown moments. It was a gift to me.

Was it luck a bit later when I advocated for our friend Sam to have his feeding tube removed after Valerie had died, when this once vital man was staring at walls from dementia and I knew he would have never wanted to be in that position?

To be continued...