There is No Waiting

I have just returned home after wintering in Europe. A funny concept since I live in California where I could have been walking around in a shirt most of the time and I just spent 3 months in scarves, gloves, down coats, boots, hats and umbrellas. The trip was great. I broke new ground writing short stories, gained confidence in a different culture and began to get a perspective on my country from afar. Life went on and ended for several friends and acquaintances. That part doesn’t get any easier and seems to be growing daily. Hearing news about friends, relatives and friends of friends. The Boomers and their parents are at the time of life when they are winding down and the unanticipated medical catastrophe is no longer unexpected.

The media has picked up on all of it. Keith Olberman on MSNBC is doing a series on end of life issues, as he lives with his Dad who is dying, going in and out of hospice. It was riveting to see him advocate for advanced directives and inter-family discussions that help to prepare for the inevitable deaths of our loved ones. Last night I watched Tom Brokaw host a two hour program on the Boomer Generation. Now in their 60’s, dealing with aging, their finances and their health seemingly for the first time. The generation that thought they would be young and live forever. The generation of hope and optimism.

Why lose hope or optimism when confronted with the reality of the human condition. We live, we die. It’s a matter of shifting the perspective of what we are hoping for. A good life and a good death. Quality lives that express our character and pass along traditions.

Coming home to the states I had to acknowledge the venom that has grown in the debate over healthcare reform. I received an email recently from a very well educated acquaintance about another matter that was prefaced with a dressing down (to put it mildly) of the current legislation being considered on healthcare reform and a bile soaked attack on the President and his agenda for change and reform. Is it really us against them? To see some of the specifics of her argument. Capital gains taxes going from 15 to 22 percent as 31 million more people become insured which will force doctors out of the profession as their fees are cut causing rationing of medical care. Than the re-emergence of “death panels’, couched in different language of oversight panels, to limit procedures for the elderly and claiming the entire reform package is structured as a giant Ponzi scheme in a power grab against the public’s liberties. I was afraid to open the attached link because her fear mongering rattled me.

Has it come to a place that we don’t trust the government that was voted in by a vast majority to perform from character? Are we all so afraid of our lower selves that we assume everyone else is trying to “do”us for their own self gain? Don’t Doctors take the Hypocratic oath?

I came home to find a close friend of mine at the end of her life just going into home hospice. She is 85 and has been fighting cancer for over 4 years. She has been courageous, vulnerable and a good friend. The truth is important to her and she is living these moments with authentic passion and presence. She has always lived in the moment. Her two Boomer children are with her and listening to her wishes. They are making choices for her funeral, her legacy and these last weeks of her life. The hour I spent alone with her the other day will stay with me forever. Her clear vision of character and authentic pursuit of life have been another model and star by which I will navigate my ship. I am acutely aware of how very lucky I’ve been to have had her friendship and the generous wisdom she has shared with me in the most trying of times. I was trying to comfort her and she has transformed me.

3 days later

In the time I have put this writing down, waiting to complete it at a more convenient and inspired moment, my friend has passed away. There is no waiting. Yesterday, on her last day of life, a ‘love feast’ was held at her house and I was invited to be in the company of her family and friends with whom she lived these 85 years. She had slipped into a calm sleep from which she would not wake and the word surreal was uttered by more than one person I spoke with. I have been in a fog since I received the news of her death this morning. It doesn’t get easier even with those who have had long and full lives. I know someone writing a play about a time “When everyone was alive” That is no longer the case and the future is well…apparently relentless. Now is all we have. Love up the one’s you love.

Heart Awareness Month

February is “Heart Awareness Month”. During the course of the month, events are taking place all over the country educating the public about heart health. In looking into how I could get the film screened to reach appropriate audiences, I reconnected with some important concepts I’d found this year in a book entitled “The Heart Speaks” by Dr. Mimi Guarneri, a cardiologist and the founder & director of Scripps Center for Integrative Medicine. I’d become aware of Dr. Guarneri’s work last spring while researching programs to promote Dying to Live and came across an interview she did for public television. It rang a bell with me because of her acknowledgement of the heart as an emotional muscle and organ, which responds badly to anger, hostility, anxiety and depression. All of these emotions can be addressed in therapy and support groups, as well as with diet, exercise and meditation, along with stress reduction techniques like yoga and visualization.

It’s been 10 years since I had my surgery. My heart ailment was almost certainly genetic in origin, but the healing of my heart after surgery was strongly affected by my emotional state. Becoming fully aware of how these emotions can debilitate your heart and ruin your health is simple to understand as you follow the case studies related during Dr. Guarneri’s career. Another particularly relevant observation she makes is the role of listening and communicating with patients. The way she puts it, a patient will tell you what’s wrong with them if a doctor listens. You know what you’re feeling and you need to take the time and make the effort to relate it to your doctor.

Overcoming negative emotions is a daily, but winnable battle and one worth engaging to preserve your health. Getting in touch with your feelings sounds old hat and cheesy, but it can make all the difference in your life and to those closest to you.

10 Years Ago Today

10 Years Ago today, I had open heart surgery at UCLA hospital in Los Angeles to repair my mitral valve, tri-cuspid valve and reduce the size of my left atrium. As a surgeon friend put it after the fact, I had “ a complete overhaul”.

In many different ways, that dramatic beginning to the new millennium would thrust me into a decade of momentous change and self-realization. I was working from the inside out and my heart would be the inspiration for moving me forward in life and bringing meaning and passion to my work, relationships and raison d’etre.

I had always been an emotional guy, but the reconfiguration in my core and the experiences and challenges I would soon encounter congealed in me a direction for the rest of my breathing life. You are finding a man not so much changed physically, but rather re-wired by the acknowledgement of his mortality and the unexpected opportunity to be with those he loved most in life as they lived until they died.

Summoning the muse and gathering the winds, I embark again to have my heart touched.

From Abroad

I’m in Paris reading headlines on the internet that “Healthcare Talks Advance in the Senate” It makes me proud to be an American and watch from afar as the process works itself out and the right thing gets done. It’s great not watching the clawing and gnashing on cable news, but experiencing again the written press. Newspapers are not dead. You’re able to digest information without having hundreds of images and emotions dumped on you.

I just finished reading Ted Kennedy’s memoirs. His decades old commitment to healthcare reform was not a myth. It’s in the record. Now we are here watching some courageous and persistent statesmen put a mark on history that will bring security and quality to the lives of many more of our neighbors, friends and family. The encouragement we give them and each other to make the tough choices, which are long overdue, to enact healthcare reform will be something we all can be proud of for the rest of our lives. Persist.

It's Official!

Today Dying to Live- the journey into a man’s open heart becomes available officially through Passion River Films at a variety of retail outlets online. i.e. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Best Buy, Target and Netflix. This statement in itself is a blatant chest beating to a newly discovered marketing rhythm, but what is invisible, in all of the graphics and synchronized talking points about this film experience, is the breath of humanity that filled the creative sails on this journey. I’ve spoken about how lucky I have been in life and today I am experiencing this more profoundly than before. It is not the intense emotional high of my early work in the theater, business or my personal relationships, but a deeper sense and trust of self, molded by my family, friends, colleagues and fellow seekers.

Perhaps it is knowing that I am beginning a new chapter, that I am able to walk away from this table today without looking back because I now own all of my experience. The love I shared with my family, wife and friends. Which I was able to receive and give releases me now. A revived freedom arrives rooted in the work of expressing fully my truths.

I am aware that the work doesn’t end. That tomorrow, somewhere I’ll be pulling my shoes on to walk up a hill. But for this briefest of moments today, with fingers pulling words that embrace momentarily the souls who blessed me with the inspiration and will to keep moving in the dark. Today it’s official. I am a man giving thanks to those who have gone before and gracefully given me so much.

Almost 10 Years

I had my first stress echo on my heart in more than 4 years and all is good. I even surpassed my stress levels of my last test. My Doctor informed me that there is no leak in my valve and it all looked very good. In fact, I looked the best to him since I first started seeing him 7-8 years ago.

All good to hear. Over the course of the year, I’ve been to several other physicians to have a an overall check-up (prostate, liver, etc), to have my varicose vein removed from my right leg, and to have several pre-cancerous lesions removed by a dermatologist. I needed to see a hematologist regarding low platelet readings that have been going on for several years and required a MTI and CAT scan of my liver and spleen. I saw an orthopedic surgeon with an accompanying CAT scan of my right knee revealing a torn meniscus, which I am trying to rehab to forgo the suggested surgery for now. Not uneventful this year, but overall my health is good. I work at my exercise, diet, rest and mental health. I give and receive love from Catherine, my family and friends. I forgot to list a trip to the emergency room in Marseilles a year ago in the fall when I was constipated for about 10 days, which was very uncomfortable, as I was concerned it could have been an obstruction or something.

They've got me working again. This is life.

It’s becoming a bit of maintenance.

But what occurred to me as I lay again on my left side in a quiet dark room all wired up, seeing images of my beating heart out of the corner of my eye and hearing the swoosh of the blood flow over the machines speakers, is how all of the old feelings return immediately. The fear and apprehension that perhaps this time they will find something in the echo that’s not right or that you’ll hear the words that I came to know as “the kiss of death.: “This is interesting” or “Let me see if the Doctor is still here”.. These phrases inevitably signaled for me the beginning of a new medical adventure and a ride on a euphemistic emotional roller coaster. It was not the case on Wednesday, October 28, 2009. I was fine, almost 10 years (2 months shy) of my open-heart surgery.

I repeat it often. I’m lucky. As much because my genes, regime, medical care and primary heart surgery are working and keeping me well, but also it’s because I have the health insurance to stay on top of my conditions and raise early warning flags when more serious problems arise. I have always had a great plan of coverage through my union The Screen Actors Guild, which brings me to wonder, What if I didn’t? Where would I be? Would I be alive today?

It's Sinking In

It’s finally beginning to sink in to me that passion alone is not enough to affect change, persistence is the key. Always had heard that cliché “perspiration not inspiration” brings success. Not particularly poetic for one who has delved into the arts as his raison d’etre, but in the end the relentless pursuit for truth and justice takes time and focused energy.

Two weeks ago, I watched the Senate Finance Committee finish it’s deliberations and “mark up” of the bill they ultimately recommended to the Senate. For all of the intense animosity that has gone back and forth between the two parties, it was remarkable to see the negotiative legislative process at work. Taking a step back from the passion driving the move towards healthcare reform, it was obvious to see that both sides care about the issue. They burnt the midnight oil, tried to remain civil and looked for ways to agree. After watching the debates on the issues it was apparent to me that common ground exists. However small, it’s the place from where this reform is coming from. The ego stroking aside, I witnessed, along with anyone who cared to be lulled by the obscure language and parliamentary protocol, a process of which I am confident (but not certain), that will deliver far reaching benefits for our society as a whole.

The news of that week from the House of Representatives was not Rep. Grayson of Orlando Florida dissing the Republicans, but rather his impassioned acknowledgement of the incredibly high number of Americans that are dying each day in this country without healthcare. Lives are being lost by continued inaction and Grayson continues to make the case each day and each hour of the expanding cost to human life thru inactivity. His upfront, in your face presentations make it impossible to avoid. Attention must be paid to the fact that the longer we do nothing, the more people will die. That’s exactly what happened during the Holocaust and the mantra thereafter was “Never Again”. I’m sure today families are huddled again feeling persecuted by a society that hasn’t had the time or awareness to help them attain what I believe to be their right. Having affordable and quality healthcare insurance for themselves and their families. We’ve all become callous to death while watching the latest “entertainments” on television and in film. Hundreds of violent and horrific images are flashed before us in a moments time. But a death lasts within a family forever. It marks us deeply.

If government exists for any good reason, it is to protect its citizens. No one wants to get sick and it is our common duty to protect and help our neighbors when their health is threatened just as if the physical security were threatened. There are too many people one healthcare crisis away from financial ruin and unconscionable numbers are dying each day without the coverage that would save their lives. It is our duty to speak of it every hour of each day until our lips are parched and our energy drained until something gets done.