Sweet 60

I had originally begun this entry as a story of a bunch of 60ish college friends going to Las Vegas over the NCAA sweet 16 weekend. They would be there to reaffirm their friendships, share memories of friends and families that had recently died and establish in their own minds that they could still bring it when needed.

I believe that story needs to be written and after the event I will re-visit it. But “Sweet 60” was just good to wait on seeing that I am turning 60 years old this Saturday March 20th. It has been 10 years since my Mother coined “50 is Nifty” not knowing she would be included in my film “Dying to Live- the journey into a man’s open heart” I was just out of the hospital 2 weeks after a complication to my heart- valve repairs and my Mom had flown out to Los Angeles to be there for the 50th. She was recovered from a surgery for colon cancer the previous December only 3 ½ months before and did not know anything about my heart condition or hospital stays. In thinking back it was the right choice to let her live without the additional worries of my illness, especially at that stage of her life and with her own medical concerns.

Now I am turning 60. What a decade. At one point I was going to write again about living from 50 to 60 as the “Lost Decade” But in truth it was transformative. My friend Jimmy who has preceded me to the sweetness told me “60 is the new 100”. It was funny the first time I heard it because I had expected to hear a more predictable Baby Boomer approach that would claim 60 to be the new 30. Well 60 is, for lack of a real understanding until I get there…60. and it feels good. I swam 1 ½ miles yesterday and the day before that I took a spinning class with a group of Gen X co-eds and must have dropped 2-3 pounds in sweat. I’m pushing it physically, opening up emotionally, being supportive to my loved ones, working on growing my relationship and finding new wrinkles in my creative process. I have hope and am optimistic about the world I live in.

Around me I’m aware of the challenges of advancing in age. The unexpected deaths and illnesses that are surrounding and invading my web of relations. No one goes untouched. I’m actively work on understanding the core of the models I most admired as a guide to what works as you age and rely more and more on my gut, not over thinking my actions. It’s all in me already. I’ve been thru a lot. I have learned what works for me. Sometimes I write this blog as a pep talk to myself. If I had any advice to myself it would be, Don’t Wait. Do it now. Be Honest with yourself and show your emotions. The people I’ve most admired were doer’s even under the worst circumstances and never once withheld their love.

My friend the writer John Shaner has two sayings that come to mind “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain” and “What comes from the heart, goes to the heart. Thanks John if you ever read this. I can and have turned those words into action. My Mom who lived to be 89 thru many difficulties also had two sayings I like, “Got to keep movin” and “Life is to give and receive love” The receiving has been more difficult, but rewarding.

So I plan to take it from my youngest nephew. When I ask him how things are going and he feels real good about himself he just responds “Sweet” That’s me. If I were to go tomorrow, I have had a great life. Loved fully, worked with talented artists, had wonderful friends, traveled the globe and genuinely tried to make a difference in the world thru my work and actions. Each day is a challenge and you can never coast, but life is sweet.

There is No Waiting

I have just returned home after wintering in Europe. A funny concept since I live in California where I could have been walking around in a shirt most of the time and I just spent 3 months in scarves, gloves, down coats, boots, hats and umbrellas. The trip was great. I broke new ground writing short stories, gained confidence in a different culture and began to get a perspective on my country from afar. Life went on and ended for several friends and acquaintances. That part doesn’t get any easier and seems to be growing daily. Hearing news about friends, relatives and friends of friends. The Boomers and their parents are at the time of life when they are winding down and the unanticipated medical catastrophe is no longer unexpected.

The media has picked up on all of it. Keith Olberman on MSNBC is doing a series on end of life issues, as he lives with his Dad who is dying, going in and out of hospice. It was riveting to see him advocate for advanced directives and inter-family discussions that help to prepare for the inevitable deaths of our loved ones. Last night I watched Tom Brokaw host a two hour program on the Boomer Generation. Now in their 60’s, dealing with aging, their finances and their health seemingly for the first time. The generation that thought they would be young and live forever. The generation of hope and optimism.

Why lose hope or optimism when confronted with the reality of the human condition. We live, we die. It’s a matter of shifting the perspective of what we are hoping for. A good life and a good death. Quality lives that express our character and pass along traditions.

Coming home to the states I had to acknowledge the venom that has grown in the debate over healthcare reform. I received an email recently from a very well educated acquaintance about another matter that was prefaced with a dressing down (to put it mildly) of the current legislation being considered on healthcare reform and a bile soaked attack on the President and his agenda for change and reform. Is it really us against them? To see some of the specifics of her argument. Capital gains taxes going from 15 to 22 percent as 31 million more people become insured which will force doctors out of the profession as their fees are cut causing rationing of medical care. Than the re-emergence of “death panels’, couched in different language of oversight panels, to limit procedures for the elderly and claiming the entire reform package is structured as a giant Ponzi scheme in a power grab against the public’s liberties. I was afraid to open the attached link because her fear mongering rattled me.

Has it come to a place that we don’t trust the government that was voted in by a vast majority to perform from character? Are we all so afraid of our lower selves that we assume everyone else is trying to “do”us for their own self gain? Don’t Doctors take the Hypocratic oath?

I came home to find a close friend of mine at the end of her life just going into home hospice. She is 85 and has been fighting cancer for over 4 years. She has been courageous, vulnerable and a good friend. The truth is important to her and she is living these moments with authentic passion and presence. She has always lived in the moment. Her two Boomer children are with her and listening to her wishes. They are making choices for her funeral, her legacy and these last weeks of her life. The hour I spent alone with her the other day will stay with me forever. Her clear vision of character and authentic pursuit of life have been another model and star by which I will navigate my ship. I am acutely aware of how very lucky I’ve been to have had her friendship and the generous wisdom she has shared with me in the most trying of times. I was trying to comfort her and she has transformed me.

3 days later

In the time I have put this writing down, waiting to complete it at a more convenient and inspired moment, my friend has passed away. There is no waiting. Yesterday, on her last day of life, a ‘love feast’ was held at her house and I was invited to be in the company of her family and friends with whom she lived these 85 years. She had slipped into a calm sleep from which she would not wake and the word surreal was uttered by more than one person I spoke with. I have been in a fog since I received the news of her death this morning. It doesn’t get easier even with those who have had long and full lives. I know someone writing a play about a time “When everyone was alive” That is no longer the case and the future is well…apparently relentless. Now is all we have. Love up the one’s you love.

Heart Awareness Month

February is “Heart Awareness Month”. During the course of the month, events are taking place all over the country educating the public about heart health. In looking into how I could get the film screened to reach appropriate audiences, I reconnected with some important concepts I’d found this year in a book entitled “The Heart Speaks” by Dr. Mimi Guarneri, a cardiologist and the founder & director of Scripps Center for Integrative Medicine. I’d become aware of Dr. Guarneri’s work last spring while researching programs to promote Dying to Live and came across an interview she did for public television. It rang a bell with me because of her acknowledgement of the heart as an emotional muscle and organ, which responds badly to anger, hostility, anxiety and depression. All of these emotions can be addressed in therapy and support groups, as well as with diet, exercise and meditation, along with stress reduction techniques like yoga and visualization.

It’s been 10 years since I had my surgery. My heart ailment was almost certainly genetic in origin, but the healing of my heart after surgery was strongly affected by my emotional state. Becoming fully aware of how these emotions can debilitate your heart and ruin your health is simple to understand as you follow the case studies related during Dr. Guarneri’s career. Another particularly relevant observation she makes is the role of listening and communicating with patients. The way she puts it, a patient will tell you what’s wrong with them if a doctor listens. You know what you’re feeling and you need to take the time and make the effort to relate it to your doctor.

Overcoming negative emotions is a daily, but winnable battle and one worth engaging to preserve your health. Getting in touch with your feelings sounds old hat and cheesy, but it can make all the difference in your life and to those closest to you.

10 Years Ago Today

10 Years Ago today, I had open heart surgery at UCLA hospital in Los Angeles to repair my mitral valve, tri-cuspid valve and reduce the size of my left atrium. As a surgeon friend put it after the fact, I had “ a complete overhaul”.

In many different ways, that dramatic beginning to the new millennium would thrust me into a decade of momentous change and self-realization. I was working from the inside out and my heart would be the inspiration for moving me forward in life and bringing meaning and passion to my work, relationships and raison d’etre.

I had always been an emotional guy, but the reconfiguration in my core and the experiences and challenges I would soon encounter congealed in me a direction for the rest of my breathing life. You are finding a man not so much changed physically, but rather re-wired by the acknowledgement of his mortality and the unexpected opportunity to be with those he loved most in life as they lived until they died.

Summoning the muse and gathering the winds, I embark again to have my heart touched.

From Abroad

I’m in Paris reading headlines on the internet that “Healthcare Talks Advance in the Senate” It makes me proud to be an American and watch from afar as the process works itself out and the right thing gets done. It’s great not watching the clawing and gnashing on cable news, but experiencing again the written press. Newspapers are not dead. You’re able to digest information without having hundreds of images and emotions dumped on you.

I just finished reading Ted Kennedy’s memoirs. His decades old commitment to healthcare reform was not a myth. It’s in the record. Now we are here watching some courageous and persistent statesmen put a mark on history that will bring security and quality to the lives of many more of our neighbors, friends and family. The encouragement we give them and each other to make the tough choices, which are long overdue, to enact healthcare reform will be something we all can be proud of for the rest of our lives. Persist.

It's Official!

Today Dying to Live- the journey into a man’s open heart becomes available officially through Passion River Films at a variety of retail outlets online. i.e. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Best Buy, Target and Netflix. This statement in itself is a blatant chest beating to a newly discovered marketing rhythm, but what is invisible, in all of the graphics and synchronized talking points about this film experience, is the breath of humanity that filled the creative sails on this journey. I’ve spoken about how lucky I have been in life and today I am experiencing this more profoundly than before. It is not the intense emotional high of my early work in the theater, business or my personal relationships, but a deeper sense and trust of self, molded by my family, friends, colleagues and fellow seekers.

Perhaps it is knowing that I am beginning a new chapter, that I am able to walk away from this table today without looking back because I now own all of my experience. The love I shared with my family, wife and friends. Which I was able to receive and give releases me now. A revived freedom arrives rooted in the work of expressing fully my truths.

I am aware that the work doesn’t end. That tomorrow, somewhere I’ll be pulling my shoes on to walk up a hill. But for this briefest of moments today, with fingers pulling words that embrace momentarily the souls who blessed me with the inspiration and will to keep moving in the dark. Today it’s official. I am a man giving thanks to those who have gone before and gracefully given me so much.

Almost 10 Years

I had my first stress echo on my heart in more than 4 years and all is good. I even surpassed my stress levels of my last test. My Doctor informed me that there is no leak in my valve and it all looked very good. In fact, I looked the best to him since I first started seeing him 7-8 years ago.

All good to hear. Over the course of the year, I’ve been to several other physicians to have a an overall check-up (prostate, liver, etc), to have my varicose vein removed from my right leg, and to have several pre-cancerous lesions removed by a dermatologist. I needed to see a hematologist regarding low platelet readings that have been going on for several years and required a MTI and CAT scan of my liver and spleen. I saw an orthopedic surgeon with an accompanying CAT scan of my right knee revealing a torn meniscus, which I am trying to rehab to forgo the suggested surgery for now. Not uneventful this year, but overall my health is good. I work at my exercise, diet, rest and mental health. I give and receive love from Catherine, my family and friends. I forgot to list a trip to the emergency room in Marseilles a year ago in the fall when I was constipated for about 10 days, which was very uncomfortable, as I was concerned it could have been an obstruction or something.

They've got me working again. This is life.

It’s becoming a bit of maintenance.

But what occurred to me as I lay again on my left side in a quiet dark room all wired up, seeing images of my beating heart out of the corner of my eye and hearing the swoosh of the blood flow over the machines speakers, is how all of the old feelings return immediately. The fear and apprehension that perhaps this time they will find something in the echo that’s not right or that you’ll hear the words that I came to know as “the kiss of death.: “This is interesting” or “Let me see if the Doctor is still here”.. These phrases inevitably signaled for me the beginning of a new medical adventure and a ride on a euphemistic emotional roller coaster. It was not the case on Wednesday, October 28, 2009. I was fine, almost 10 years (2 months shy) of my open-heart surgery.

I repeat it often. I’m lucky. As much because my genes, regime, medical care and primary heart surgery are working and keeping me well, but also it’s because I have the health insurance to stay on top of my conditions and raise early warning flags when more serious problems arise. I have always had a great plan of coverage through my union The Screen Actors Guild, which brings me to wonder, What if I didn’t? Where would I be? Would I be alive today?