Farewell to a Fighter

Rabbi Levi Deitsch was my friend. His death is a hole I will never fill in my heart. Rabbi Jacobson begins to explain Levi's tenacious courage in the face of his illness in the following essay. I have experienced this courage before in my wife Valerie and thus have been twice blessed. Hopefully I can draw strength from my friend. I miss him.

http://www.theyeshiva.net/Article/View/113/Farewell-To-A-Fighter

Election Day - Nov 2nd

Get out and Vote Today! It will make you feel good. You will be giving direction and support to the country’s future and your own. In your heart, you know that we are all in this life together and we must take responsibility for the people we empower to lead and legislate. I’m proud to be an American and when I see people at the polls tomorrow I know I will be overcome with that rich sensation of being with my fellow Americans who all, no matter what their political background, want the best for the country and each other. I may be naïve, but these are the principles with which the United States was founded and they exist in us today, if we can break thru the encrusted cynicism of the media and politicos. The choices are clear and countless lives will be affected by those choices we make today. Do the right thing and vote. Feel good.

FREE Screening of Dying to Live - the journey into a man's open heart in LOS ANGELES

Congregation Mogen David
is proud to sponsor a viewing of the autobiographical memoir,
“Dying to Live – the journey into a man’s open heart”
by Ben Mittleman.

At the age of 50, doctors diagnosed Ben with a hereditary cardiac condition requiring nine hours of open heart surgery and a long recovery. Dealing with the profound questions most of us are too afraid to ask opened the gateway to the fears and insecurities of middle age, the relevance of his Judaism and the nature of life and it’s true values.

As the writer, producer, director, and subject of the part video diary/part real-life drama, Ben Mittleman confronts these matters of his own mortality, and captures every detail of his battle while undertaking the care and support of his wife and mother, as both women battle cancer.

This authentic look at truth profiles the period of his personal transformation while revealing the raw realities of one man’s fight to survive while trying to heal and care for the women who love him.

The inspirational movie serves a catalyst to begin discussions about the complex issues it exposes.
“Dying to Live – the journey into a man’s open heart” addresses the truth and strength required to overcome one’s fear of dying and pursue the business of living.


Light Refreshments will be served along with a discussion
with the director Ben Mittleman and Rabbi Gabriel Elias

SUNDAY JULY 25, 2010 6:00 PM
Please call the synagogue to RSVP
310.556.5609

Share Your Story

When I was making the documentary “Dying to Live- the journey into a man’s open heart”, I was telling the story for several reasons. 1) I had originally begun a film about my impending open-heart surgery that was left unfinished because of a cascade of personal tragedies over several years. 2) I wanted to honor the lives and courage of those I loved. 3) I was looking into my life and soul for it’s authentic center and wanted to reveal truths for myself and dispel my own myths.

I realized the story might represent a commonality of the human condition that could provide understanding and perhaps comfort to others as they struggled with their own challenges of survival, but I did not realize at the time, that in telling the story and reliving the searing truth’s I’d lived and witnessed, I would begin to fully undertake the deep healing necessary to move forward in my life.

I am going to initiate a place on our website www.dyingtolivethemovie.com that will be for the sharing of stories of survival, care-giving, grief and struggle. It is something I’ve discussed doing for a while now and I would appreciate comments and thoughts on how to make the site more beneficial.

I will make the space available un-edited and filtered only in the broadest manner. “The truth will never hurt you” is something I believe and I would like to facilitate sharing your truth’s with a greater public. You can provide contact information if you wish.

Contact me or send your story to ben@dyingtolivethemovie.com and we will get your story out. Just getting it down on paper will make a world of difference.

Keep Moving

My sister Lynn and I just observed the 5th anniversary of our Mother’s death. “It just keeps rollin, just keeps on rollin along” These are lyrics from the song Ole Man River, that I would sing in basso profondo from the age 5-7. My mother used to say that, as she got older, time seemed to go by faster. Having just turned 60 my new mantra hit me immediately, “Don’t Wait”. Not very original, but a good jumping off point to Mom’s other expression. “Gotta keep movin” I guess you don’t really embrace these truisms until you occupy the space. It’s a different world from when I came to Hollywood in 1980 at the age of 30 and for the next 10 or so years would, with tongue in cheek, remind my friends that I was “In my prime” Funny enough I still feel that way and I’m not going to wait to take advantage of it. The lesson lives on even when the teacher is gone.

Was it Will Rogers who said that all that the only thing certain in life is death and taxes. What difference does knowing that make? Tax season is over, the next quarter is already closing and I have friends and family who have recently died or are very sick. There comes a point when you realize you are not the savior to all you know and love. That you can’t be there for everyone and that the unexpected will happen even as you are prepare to help.

I quote my friend Harry Leon who died at the age of 99. “I’m doing the best I can with the tools I have” Never really got it over all the years he said it to me. Doing the best you can.

My friend Nosson Deitsch died last week in a tragic jet ski accident. He was 21, full of life and a very religious young man. He taught young people and learned ancient laws, traditions and mystical connections to the universe. He lived his life fully. His older brother Levi had asked me to stay in touch with him after they lost their Dad a few years ago and was going thru a tough time. He’d made a deep connection with “Dying to Live” and a seen it several times. I found him to be joyous and upbeat. A lover of life. Nosson would call or email me out of the blue using his trademark introduction “Hey!” His death is inexplicable to me. An accident. A tragedy. Volumes can be written on him. All of the wheels that were put in place to bring him to that exact moment in time when he drew his last breath.

My young friend Coco has been diagnosed with cancer. He has a young son of 4 and two older children, a beautiful wife, looks like a movie star and has vitality, charm and a sweet & generous soul. He will beat it. Of this I am almost certain, but you can never be positive about anything in life except D & T.

Nosson’s brother, my close and dear friend Levi, is in year 3 of fighting off lung cancer. He has been thru various protocols at the NIH (National Institute of Health), has 4 kids, a thriving congregation, beautiful wife and a passion for people and living. When I visited him in Virginia recently he gave me a yellow wrist band that when translated from the Yiddish stated, “If you think positive, it will be positive” I wore it on my flight over to Europe and for days after. We found out about his brother Nosson the next week.

Today I’m in France with my girlfriend Catherine. Her Mom has just had her hip replaced at the age of 83, is recouping in a clinic and coming home in two days. We are making the house ready and Catherine is preparing to continue her care at home. The Mom, as we like to refer to her, has been a ball of energy her entire life, an artist and enthusiastic gardener. She’s bursting to come home and wWe’re nervous about being able to do the best we can. Catherine is giving maximum attention and going over every detail for her Mom. I know the feeling. I’m trying to help where I can and be supportive. I’ve been here before, but each time feels like the first.

Perspective. Having perspective on each moment. Living the moments out fully, each exact moment in time.

Sweet 60

I had originally begun this entry as a story of a bunch of 60ish college friends going to Las Vegas over the NCAA sweet 16 weekend. They would be there to reaffirm their friendships, share memories of friends and families that had recently died and establish in their own minds that they could still bring it when needed.

I believe that story needs to be written and after the event I will re-visit it. But “Sweet 60” was just good to wait on seeing that I am turning 60 years old this Saturday March 20th. It has been 10 years since my Mother coined “50 is Nifty” not knowing she would be included in my film “Dying to Live- the journey into a man’s open heart” I was just out of the hospital 2 weeks after a complication to my heart- valve repairs and my Mom had flown out to Los Angeles to be there for the 50th. She was recovered from a surgery for colon cancer the previous December only 3 ½ months before and did not know anything about my heart condition or hospital stays. In thinking back it was the right choice to let her live without the additional worries of my illness, especially at that stage of her life and with her own medical concerns.

Now I am turning 60. What a decade. At one point I was going to write again about living from 50 to 60 as the “Lost Decade” But in truth it was transformative. My friend Jimmy who has preceded me to the sweetness told me “60 is the new 100”. It was funny the first time I heard it because I had expected to hear a more predictable Baby Boomer approach that would claim 60 to be the new 30. Well 60 is, for lack of a real understanding until I get there…60. and it feels good. I swam 1 ½ miles yesterday and the day before that I took a spinning class with a group of Gen X co-eds and must have dropped 2-3 pounds in sweat. I’m pushing it physically, opening up emotionally, being supportive to my loved ones, working on growing my relationship and finding new wrinkles in my creative process. I have hope and am optimistic about the world I live in.

Around me I’m aware of the challenges of advancing in age. The unexpected deaths and illnesses that are surrounding and invading my web of relations. No one goes untouched. I’m actively work on understanding the core of the models I most admired as a guide to what works as you age and rely more and more on my gut, not over thinking my actions. It’s all in me already. I’ve been thru a lot. I have learned what works for me. Sometimes I write this blog as a pep talk to myself. If I had any advice to myself it would be, Don’t Wait. Do it now. Be Honest with yourself and show your emotions. The people I’ve most admired were doer’s even under the worst circumstances and never once withheld their love.

My friend the writer John Shaner has two sayings that come to mind “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain” and “What comes from the heart, goes to the heart. Thanks John if you ever read this. I can and have turned those words into action. My Mom who lived to be 89 thru many difficulties also had two sayings I like, “Got to keep movin” and “Life is to give and receive love” The receiving has been more difficult, but rewarding.

So I plan to take it from my youngest nephew. When I ask him how things are going and he feels real good about himself he just responds “Sweet” That’s me. If I were to go tomorrow, I have had a great life. Loved fully, worked with talented artists, had wonderful friends, traveled the globe and genuinely tried to make a difference in the world thru my work and actions. Each day is a challenge and you can never coast, but life is sweet.

There is No Waiting

I have just returned home after wintering in Europe. A funny concept since I live in California where I could have been walking around in a shirt most of the time and I just spent 3 months in scarves, gloves, down coats, boots, hats and umbrellas. The trip was great. I broke new ground writing short stories, gained confidence in a different culture and began to get a perspective on my country from afar. Life went on and ended for several friends and acquaintances. That part doesn’t get any easier and seems to be growing daily. Hearing news about friends, relatives and friends of friends. The Boomers and their parents are at the time of life when they are winding down and the unanticipated medical catastrophe is no longer unexpected.

The media has picked up on all of it. Keith Olberman on MSNBC is doing a series on end of life issues, as he lives with his Dad who is dying, going in and out of hospice. It was riveting to see him advocate for advanced directives and inter-family discussions that help to prepare for the inevitable deaths of our loved ones. Last night I watched Tom Brokaw host a two hour program on the Boomer Generation. Now in their 60’s, dealing with aging, their finances and their health seemingly for the first time. The generation that thought they would be young and live forever. The generation of hope and optimism.

Why lose hope or optimism when confronted with the reality of the human condition. We live, we die. It’s a matter of shifting the perspective of what we are hoping for. A good life and a good death. Quality lives that express our character and pass along traditions.

Coming home to the states I had to acknowledge the venom that has grown in the debate over healthcare reform. I received an email recently from a very well educated acquaintance about another matter that was prefaced with a dressing down (to put it mildly) of the current legislation being considered on healthcare reform and a bile soaked attack on the President and his agenda for change and reform. Is it really us against them? To see some of the specifics of her argument. Capital gains taxes going from 15 to 22 percent as 31 million more people become insured which will force doctors out of the profession as their fees are cut causing rationing of medical care. Than the re-emergence of “death panels’, couched in different language of oversight panels, to limit procedures for the elderly and claiming the entire reform package is structured as a giant Ponzi scheme in a power grab against the public’s liberties. I was afraid to open the attached link because her fear mongering rattled me.

Has it come to a place that we don’t trust the government that was voted in by a vast majority to perform from character? Are we all so afraid of our lower selves that we assume everyone else is trying to “do”us for their own self gain? Don’t Doctors take the Hypocratic oath?

I came home to find a close friend of mine at the end of her life just going into home hospice. She is 85 and has been fighting cancer for over 4 years. She has been courageous, vulnerable and a good friend. The truth is important to her and she is living these moments with authentic passion and presence. She has always lived in the moment. Her two Boomer children are with her and listening to her wishes. They are making choices for her funeral, her legacy and these last weeks of her life. The hour I spent alone with her the other day will stay with me forever. Her clear vision of character and authentic pursuit of life have been another model and star by which I will navigate my ship. I am acutely aware of how very lucky I’ve been to have had her friendship and the generous wisdom she has shared with me in the most trying of times. I was trying to comfort her and she has transformed me.

3 days later

In the time I have put this writing down, waiting to complete it at a more convenient and inspired moment, my friend has passed away. There is no waiting. Yesterday, on her last day of life, a ‘love feast’ was held at her house and I was invited to be in the company of her family and friends with whom she lived these 85 years. She had slipped into a calm sleep from which she would not wake and the word surreal was uttered by more than one person I spoke with. I have been in a fog since I received the news of her death this morning. It doesn’t get easier even with those who have had long and full lives. I know someone writing a play about a time “When everyone was alive” That is no longer the case and the future is well…apparently relentless. Now is all we have. Love up the one’s you love.

Heart Awareness Month

February is “Heart Awareness Month”. During the course of the month, events are taking place all over the country educating the public about heart health. In looking into how I could get the film screened to reach appropriate audiences, I reconnected with some important concepts I’d found this year in a book entitled “The Heart Speaks” by Dr. Mimi Guarneri, a cardiologist and the founder & director of Scripps Center for Integrative Medicine. I’d become aware of Dr. Guarneri’s work last spring while researching programs to promote Dying to Live and came across an interview she did for public television. It rang a bell with me because of her acknowledgement of the heart as an emotional muscle and organ, which responds badly to anger, hostility, anxiety and depression. All of these emotions can be addressed in therapy and support groups, as well as with diet, exercise and meditation, along with stress reduction techniques like yoga and visualization.

It’s been 10 years since I had my surgery. My heart ailment was almost certainly genetic in origin, but the healing of my heart after surgery was strongly affected by my emotional state. Becoming fully aware of how these emotions can debilitate your heart and ruin your health is simple to understand as you follow the case studies related during Dr. Guarneri’s career. Another particularly relevant observation she makes is the role of listening and communicating with patients. The way she puts it, a patient will tell you what’s wrong with them if a doctor listens. You know what you’re feeling and you need to take the time and make the effort to relate it to your doctor.

Overcoming negative emotions is a daily, but winnable battle and one worth engaging to preserve your health. Getting in touch with your feelings sounds old hat and cheesy, but it can make all the difference in your life and to those closest to you.

10 Years Ago Today

10 Years Ago today, I had open heart surgery at UCLA hospital in Los Angeles to repair my mitral valve, tri-cuspid valve and reduce the size of my left atrium. As a surgeon friend put it after the fact, I had “ a complete overhaul”.

In many different ways, that dramatic beginning to the new millennium would thrust me into a decade of momentous change and self-realization. I was working from the inside out and my heart would be the inspiration for moving me forward in life and bringing meaning and passion to my work, relationships and raison d’etre.

I had always been an emotional guy, but the reconfiguration in my core and the experiences and challenges I would soon encounter congealed in me a direction for the rest of my breathing life. You are finding a man not so much changed physically, but rather re-wired by the acknowledgement of his mortality and the unexpected opportunity to be with those he loved most in life as they lived until they died.

Summoning the muse and gathering the winds, I embark again to have my heart touched.